Man. I am stuck in some sort of negative phase or cycle or otherwise organized crapfest. I can't read. I can't write. My days feel like they are filled with nothing much at all. I am really, really sucking at pretty much everything.

And I sort of have the apathy, too. I just don't care enough to fix me. Doesn't feel good. Generally, I am all about fixing me.

I have been weird, too. Even for me. Extra weird. I am doing things I can't explain, things I wouldn't normally do. Makes me scratch my head and squint at myself.

Certainly, that does not involve being abusive to anyone or saying anything unkind, nothing of that sort. You all know I am the people-pleasiest person around. Or you should know.

Maybe that's part of it. I am not comfortable or happy being doormatty. I do not like allowing myself to be treated in ways that do not feel good. Maybe I'm just starting there.

Before lately, which would be, I believe, earlier, I was beginning to feel like it is almost enough for me to know how amazing I am. I almost don't need someone else to say that to me. So close. Because I do think I am amazing. And lovely. Wasn't really getting me anywhere thinking someone else needed to validate that.

Besides, if I try to make people be nicer to me and tell me the things I like to hear, it doesn't count. And I am sure the people are tired of being manipulated. Especially by someone who sucks at manipulation.

I would like to appreciate the nice things. The sweet things said without any manipulation attempts on my part. Or at least I shouldn't immediately run the hell away, top speed.

And maybe, knowing I am loved and cared for can be enough. What else is there? Why do I want more? Is there more? Beats me.

I am really starting to think that I know nothing much at all.