Panic-attack

Another night, another panic-attack
Heart beats like a wild horse, ride
in the wide open fields of a prairie
Hammer-blows from inside.
Sticky wetness of sweat
Slithering like larvae all over the skin
Cold hands, cold feet
It's like lying on a slab of ice.
I'm freezing on the outside
While everything within me is being incinerated
With the searing fire of self-loathing.
Every cell in my body rebels against me
Every moment of my existence
rally together like a swarm of bees,
to sting, to hurt,
to take revenge.

Trapped, surrounded,
Haunted,
I can't breathe, can't move
Just lie there and watch the Fear close in
The noose of memories 'round my neck tightens.
Memories,
Like some old, forgotten,
badly made home-video of an amateur
flashes its disconnected reels before me.

Flashes,
Of days;
Days of laughing together,
Days of trying to wipe someone's tears with your own,
Days of that musky dampness you smelt
when your head was on her bosom,
Days of those short looks she threw at you while she was working
(Just to make sure you were there), and quick smiles.
Days that seemed like seconds.
Gone.
Reality hits you with all the grace of a sledgehammer.
Alone.
Truth stabs.
You are alone
Left to die here every night like this
Getting eaten alive by the maggots of days gone by
To wake again tomorrow
And haunt the world like a zombie