Joke of the day........

just as Jack Nicholson in his famous movie :)

lol, I love movies with Jack Nicholson in them! Just one look at his face and I have to laugh! He's such a "devil"! :))

Future aircraft will be piloted by a man and a dog. The man is there to feed the dog, and the dog is there to keep the man from touching the controls...

I've been trying to reply to you for an hour Lady.In.Red but my c-omments wouldn't post. I finally went to support forums where I discovered that it's not just .c-o-m that is giving us Zorpians grief this morning, but any word that has those three letters within it.

It's amazing how often we type those 3 letters together. I hope they get this bug fixed soon! :)

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, both women barely large enough to see over the dashboard.

As they cruised along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went right on through.

The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light."

After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things.

She was getting nervous, and decided to pay very close attention.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red, and they went right through it.

She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"

Mildred turned to her and said,
"Oh my goodness! Am I driving?

:)

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat out.
She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat. He pulled up alongside her and said, Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing? Reading my book, she replied . . . as she thought to herself, Isn't it obvious? You're in a restricted fishing area, he informed her. But officer, I'm not fishing. Can't you see that? Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.
If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape, snapped the irate woman. But, I haven't even touched you, groused the sheriff. Yes, that's true, she replied, But you do have all the equipment.

LOL, I love it Lady.In.Red! Thank you for making me laugh!! :))

I intend to remember that reply. It just might c-ome in handy one day!!

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LOL :))

This was nominated for best joke of the year - worth sharing.

A Russian arrives in New York City as a new immigrant to the United
States . He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and
says, 'Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country , giving
me housing, food stamps, free medical care, and free education!'

The passerby says, 'You are mistaken, I am Mexican.'

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. ' Thank you for
having such a beautiful country here in America !'

The person says, 'I not American, I Vietnamese.'

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says, 'Thank you for the wonderful America !'

That person puts up his hand and says, 'I am from Middle East , I am
not American!'

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, 'Are you an American?'

She says , 'No, I am from Africa !'

Puzzled, he asks her, 'Where are all the Americans?'

The African lady checks her watch and says...'Probably at work!'

I'm not sure how true that is, but it is funny! :)

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,
"Hello?"
Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause,
Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, Right now."
Brief Pause.
"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down
on the table, run upstairs And knock on the bedroom
door and shout to Mommy,That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay, Daddy, Just a minute."
A few minutes later The little girl comes back to the phone.
"I did it, Daddy."
"And what happened, honey?" He asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed With no clothes on
and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser And now
she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window And into the
swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the
water last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? ...........
Is this 486-5731?"
No, I think you have the wrong number.......

LOL, as terrible as this is, it is funny! Thank you, Lady.In.Red :)

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in D.C.; One from Illinois one from Tennessee and a third from Kentucky ... They all go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Tennessee contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.
'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Kentucky contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, 'I can do this job for ! ! $700: $300 for materials, $300 for my crew and $100 profit for me.'

The Illinois contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, '$2,700.'
The official, incredulous, whispers back, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
The Illinois contractor whispers back, '$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire that guy from Kentucky to fix the fence.'

'Done!' replies the government official. And that my friends, is how it all works ! ! !

LOL You hit this nail right on the head, Lady.In.Red! This is definitely how governments contracts seem to be won :)

In Romania things are working in the same way...

No a good thing, of course, but the joke did make me laugh :)

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience.

Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live."

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she
figured she might as well look even nicer.

After her last operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, an ambulance killed her.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?"

God replied, "Girl, I didn't recognize you”

I've always heard that vanity is painful, Stephen. Apparently, it's deadly too!

A man goes to a psychologist and says, "Doc I got a real problem, I can't stop thinking about relations."

The psychologist says, "Well let's see what we can find out", and pulls out his ink blots. "What is this a picture of?" he asks.

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist says, "Very interesting," and shows the next picture. "And what is this a picture of?"

The man looks and turns it in different directions and says, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologists tries again with the third ink blot, and asks the same question, "What is this a picture of?"

The patient again turns it in all directions and replies, "That's a man and a woman having relations."

The psychologist states, "Well, yes, you do seem to be obsessed with relations."

"Me!?" demands the patient. "You're the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!"

Lol, Shame on that psychologist :))

One day God came down and said to three guys that the less you cheat on your wives the better the cars you'll get in heaven. So the first guy went to heaven after cheating on his wife 67 times and he got a Mercedes. The second guy went to heaven and had cheated on his wife 2 times and he got a Ferrari, then the third guy went to heaven and said that he had never cheated on his wife and he got a Bentley.

Then one day the third guy was all sad and depressed and the first and second guys asked him what was wrong.

The third guy said, "I saw my wife the other day," and the first guy said "yeah, so," and the third guy said " she was riding a skateboard."

lol, I wasn't expecting that ending Stephen, Cute! :)