There must be one thing that you don’t know about me, and that is that I am very bad in explaining myself verbally… But writing, I can write pages… he he he… No wonder I am a journalist… sijui nikiwa madhabahuni, na nikiwa tutor some day itakuwaje kueleza point…

 

Anyway, that isn’t the point of writing to you my dear… Let me start by saying that you are one of the most beautiful people I have ever met… in spirit and in flesh ( he he)… In spirit even more…And you really amazed me jana… Few people would be considerate for a person who has feelings for the man they are about to court… You are really of Christ and I respect you. I thank you for your love.

 

But I have a request… When all things come to place, please don’t treat me like a ‘sensitive’ case… I want you to know that I will be fine. This is what YOU are going to do - you are going to say YES to him, and I am going to be ok with it… Anyway, you don’t need my approval for it, right? (Smiles)… And please don’t give me that ‘inhumanity’ story… I want you Happy and that is final... he he he…

 

I don’t want it to be ‘Esther akiingia, people are attentive to observe how she will react’. I hope Lyamba doesn’t know… Coz inawezekana na Isaac nae alihitaj huduma.. He he he.. Well, I am pulling myself together for you guys… Of course I may not react so well in the first few days (since I am so bad with controlling my emotions… he he he.. the kutetemeka thing says it all… he he he… I still cant believe I ropokad that day..) Anyway, my point is - please bear with me… I will cope with time.

 

I always thought that when you introduce me to your man ntamkagua… he he he… Ntampa masharti… Asikuumize… Ntakuwa close nae… Ntamdekea kama kamdogo kake… Yaani a real shemeji… Yaani nlikuwa namsubiri kwa hamu… Now I don’t know how to react with my soon to be ‘shemeji’… We will just have to see how it goes with time…

 

But ALL things work for good for us, isn’t it??? …  It will OK. I know…

 

My problem is that nawapenda my friends vibaya… Men and women… And I love you videadly, I can’t allow this to come between us J

 

I can’t even start fighting you… I want you to be happy J

 

I want you to know that you have my support in ANYTHING and EVERYTHING…. That’s what real sisters are for right??? You need money, you need a shoulder, you need someone to talk to, sijui mmeudhiana, sijui kakufurahisha, and you need my help in wedding plans… I will be there for you because you are my sister.

 

I just can’t fight you in this one. This is just one thing that has come to my life and caused my hands to be tied… I can’t fight for him over you… I cant even pray that ‘God’s will be done’ because ‘twil mean ‘God please snatch him away from her for me’… how can I even start thinking that way??

 

The other day uliponiambia nikuombee, kwakweli sikuomba kwasababu ni kama.. haiji bwana.. Mi kwa sasa nawaombea mfanikiwe… Kama nakosea, sijui… Ila in the first few days nilikuwa sijui hata nimwambie nini Mungu, au nifeel nini… And maybe I am still in that state kiaina… Still trying to believe that this isn’t a dream… Yaani kwakweli I have been cornered by God and I am learning a lot... BEING LOVE and not FEELING LOVE… he he he… So that is why you shouldn’t worry about me girlfriend… Do I make myself clear on that???

 

If Annie and I wanted the same job, I wouldn’t even think twice about letting her have it, ‘twas a bit easier for me to ‘fight’ God for him when he was with his previous because I didn’t know her… but how on earth can I fight my OWN sister?? Tell me…

 

You are on the spotlight… This is your moment… It is your chance and your life… Don’t even think about me for now… Ok, not that this is about ME… I know that there might be other reasons that cause you to delay in answer… It’s just that I don’t want ‘me’ to be the reason for your delay in making a decision… Take hold of this moment and walk away and God will bless you… That’s all I can do my love, bless you!!!

 

That is all I can say to you my love…

 

I wouldn’t want you to share this with him… Lakini najua wapendanao huwa hawawez kufichana mambo yao… Kwaio, kama itakulazimu kumweleza, siwezi pinga… But if it was my wish, ningeomba we just keep it to ourselves….

 

I hope you are not angry.

 

Please respond.

 

Kis kis

 

 

My life is no longer my own…

 

I just finished buying a new carpet and new curtains… Just started settling down… But God says Arise, pick up your bags and walk… Go to the land that I shall lead you to! Your life isn’t yours… You own nothing in this world… You came naked and you shall leave naked, just as you came…

 

Who am I, o man, that I should go against the Lord God Almighty? May HIS will be done… I don’t know where he is taking me but I am ready for it… ready in the sense that I am willing to go through the process… I know it is not going to be easy… I know that there will be sleepless nights, there will be times when I will go on an empty stomach.. But should I complain that God isn’t just… that he has forsaken me? Certainly not!

 

I am kind of excited… I actually am, I am very excited because I don’t know what will be the next step… what will be the assignment? The requirement… I remember the last time that God came strongly on me, for me to lay down my life, my all for him… I came up with ten or more excuses…

 

This is what I said: God, I can’t serve you as you want because I am young, I am a woman, I am illiterate, I am single, I am poor, I am… I am… I am… But now, I say I would love to serve you Lord because I am young, because I am illiterate, because I am single, because I am poor, because I am nothing and you are everything o Lord.

 

Last night, God asked me the hardest questions… questions that I have been trying to avoid… but they came so strong to me and I realized how untrue I was to God… Will you give me EVERYTHING??... Surrender everything??? What if I say that you won’t marry, the man that you have hoped for? What if you don’t continue with the job, that you have worked hard to make the achievements at hand? What if you drop out of school that you prayed for so long to get, one that would give you the status you want? What if I isolate you as a guinea-pig just to work on you as an antidote for the nations? Will you let me? Will you let me be strong in your life to tegua your leg?

 

Living in the light of God isn’t easy. I just give myself to the king, so that he could do anything… I am looking forward to days when no one will understand me… my family, my parents, my friends… when everyone will be against me…

 

But I know that if that is what it takes for his will to be done in me, then I just surrender… for him to work in my life, work on my heart and my spirit…

 

You know, when Caasi told me that I should let go of him, I remember telling myself ‘does he really  think that I will do that?’ and I didn’t even care if his message was from God or not… I wasn’t ready to give him up… Now I realize what they mean when they say that he gives and takes away, the heart should choose to say, blessed be His name…

 

1606

March 12, 2008