Being happy what does that mean?

Does that mean that you have everything materialistically? Does it mean to have someone to love? Or could it just be to be your own mind soul and body? I can’t seem to put my finger on it.

One minute I feel like there is nothing more in the world that I could ask for because really I do have a lot more than a lot of other people. So let’s look at the definition of being happy is.

1.      Characterized by good luck; fortunate.

2.      Enjoying, showing, or marked by pleasure, satisfaction, or joy.

3.      Being especially well-adapted; felicitous: a happy turn of phrase.

4.      Cheerful; willing: happy to help.

Let’s start off with number 1. Good luck I really don’t know about that, fortunate yes I could see that. But fortunate to have what I ask. Money, men, sex, to be beautiful does anyone ever question that?

That takes us right to number 2. To “enjoy” what life with all it’s hurdles?

Number 3 doesn’t get any better “Well Adapted” All that really means is to get used to.

Number 4 Cheerful well is that really going to make me happy all the time?

Do I have to compromise myself in order to be happy? I am really starting to feel that way. I have changed so much in the last I’d say about 3 years. I went from one extreme to the next and can’t seem to get myself out of this rut.

Now I’ve looked up the meaning for happiness and it’s nothing like I thought it would be.

To be completely satisfied all over but how do I find that. Oh I know to be happy with your self?

Well how in the hell am I going to accomplish that?

There has been too much that has happened for me to be happy right now anyway. I never really had a chance to think about the things in my past. Do I blame myself for my Ex-going crazy? Yeah in a way I do. Maybe I was crazy and it made him crazy?

Maybe I got so far in his mind that it made him try to kill me.

I don’t hate him for doing what he did. I just really don’t understand why. Let’s analyze the situation. He writes me a letter saying that he still wants us to be together after almost being separated a whole year.

What was that all about? You slapped me around and treated me like shit then you just expect me to come back around and be with you? All I wanted us to do was be friends. How could you not just be friends if you just didn’t get along in a emotional relationship.

I guess I just expected to much out of him and now he’s locked up for 15 years over a peace of ASS that you could’ve gotten at just about any corner.

God I feel so sorry for you. There are times when I just don’t think that I can move on but what the hell I always have.

But now it’s getting to that point where all that moving on has hurt me. Why now? Why do I have all these emotions coming up? In the meantime I don’t know in which direction to walk in.

Oh that’s right you met this wonderful guy that want’s to sweep you off your feet but you’re not floating yet. Did I mention that he happened to be in the car while my EX was debating on killing me in the bushes?

God, I feel so bad it really hurts to know that someone has taken a bullet for you. I never thought that our relationship would come this far. I love him but my mind keeps questioning if this is supposed to be. I would love to spend the rest of my life with this person. He’s caring very loving and affectionate, and I get treated like a little princess. Girls would kill to have this guy. The only problem is that most of the other guys have said that they are different with me than they were with others and it never worked out.

Should I make excuses for him just because he does things for me? Now don’t get me wrong I appreciate everything he has done for me and doing but should I place the good things in front of the things that bother me? Is that what’s making me so worried about this relationship?  

So we are always on the phone and it seems like everytime we setup a time to meet I always back out. LOL! It's been over a month now I am thinking to my self but what if he doesn't look good and then the idea comes we both have computers, why did I not think of that before?

So I tell him that we can chat online while using the cam. Of course he does not have one but he was willing to send me a pic. Well alrighty then let's do it. So were on the phone while we're on messenger and my pic comes up; mmm he replied, so that was good right. And then he e-mails me his pick. Oh MY GOD he is sooo cute. I should have went over there a long time ago I thought. Well anyways I setup my cam and we chatted for a while making plans to meet memorial weekend.

So here it is on a Saturday and I had already planned to go to the park with my friends and Bar-b-que and afterwards we were to meet. I'm checking in with him every now and then while I'm out but there is one problem I am getting drunk and am not able to drive anymore so I had to tell him I couldn't come by. Man is it not meant for us to meet. Naw it's all my fault. :)

Another attempt to meet was that Monday but I had went out on Sunday and of course I had to have open toe shoes on, so what happend was somebody stepped on my big toe and half of my nail came off. OOOOUUUUCH, how can I go meet somebody with my toes all fucked up? and being that it was a Holiday there was no way for me to get it fixed. Man this guy is going to think I am bullshitting him huh. Ya think!

After all the mishaps we finally meet and we hit it off immediatly but I only stayed for 2 hours, I really didn't know this guy and what he was really about. For all I know he could of tried anything with me. But as the weeks went by we spent more and more time together and we became good friends. Not having sex with someone that you are getting to know can be a big help we were caught up in eachothers company and the laughs we had there was no need. And of course your aksing yourself she must have spent the night right? Well I did but my legs stayed closed and he didn't even try. Kissing was the only thing.

About 2 months later we were sitting in his living room as always having a good conversation and and good drink when it became evident that it was to go further. It was beautiful but at the same time rip the clothes off of your body as fast as you can type scenario.  

So we each moved into our own apartment but we ended staying in the same apartment complex. Afterall we did deceide to stay friends and what could go wrong right? So here I am single but I still had my friend that I was dealing with. He was great my GOD!! He did so many things for me and we actually did things together but I knew that we could never take it further than to be friends with benifits if you know what I mean.

A couple of months went by and I would still see my ex every now and then, helping him out here and there. And sometimes we still hooked up. After a while I realized that if I ever wanted to be happy I would have to let him go sexually. So I told him that I was dealing with someone and I thought he had accepted that. He would still call me in on favors every now and then but he never made an attempt to get with me. So it's starting to get a little serious between my friend and I (let's just call him Marv) But in my mind I knew it would not work he was a pretty kinda guy and always used to getting everything his way. Women loved him and he loved them. But there was a doubt in my mind. We spent a lot of time together we went to work and home he would even come over after he went out.

But then things started changing. He had left to go to New York for a week and that week turned into 3. He said he lost his ID and could not fly home but there was something funny about that. So I started looking at the menu again to see what I could find. I really was not finding anyone I could really relate to. In the meantime Marv had come back but things were different he was not calling like he used to and he would leave without telling me. Maybe I was kinda sprung but on what? I just got of a relationship that was hell and I would be damned to get into one where I could not even trust my partner so I called it quits and decieded to become celibate, and concentrate on myself for a while. I was working three jobs and then I loved going out and having a good time. Nothing should come between that!

But something did, I just lost my main job. What I am going to do I thoght. My two part-time jobs are never going to pay for my rent and car. My girlfriend and I worked at the same B&B and she got engaged and and thought it would be great to meet her fiance for some drinks to take my mind off everything.  I was not fond of her engagement hell she has only known this guy for two weeks but what am I to say that it can't happen right? So we go to his studio and were eating lunch when this guy comes in and looks at me.  You know what he says you look like somebody my friend would like. Oh really I said. Who may that be? My friend Ced he real cool and I thing you guys would get along great. I am thinking to myself yeah OK. This is crazy ! And then he starts dialing on his phone and puts the phone in my hand and tells me to talk to him. Ok why not it can't hurt, so this guy answers the phone and I'm talking to him in German. He's like I don't understand you could you repeat yourself. So I told him in English that he could call me soemtime. We really didn't get to talk much that day he was busy but he would call me. I really didn't anticipate hearing from him again but he did call.

I had applied for jobs all over but still no luck then the one of the temp agencies finally called me back for  a job, so now I am back on the roll. Ced and I are talking everyday and we are on the phone 2 and 3 hours a day. We still haven't seen eachother and I really wanted to know what he looked like.