NO MORE GAMES

By Caitlin Ascolese

ew research proves what Vincent Chase on Entourage taught us: Playing it cool can definitely help your love life. “Our study found that when you like someone but aren’t sure if they like you back, it’s far more alluring to you than if you like someone and know they like you back,” says Paul Eastwick, a graduate student at the Northwestern Relationships Lab at Northwestern University. Maybe it’s the thrill of the chase or the excitement of the uncertainty, but potential mates really do fall for you faster if you’re tough to pin down.

But there’s a fine line between being a bit elusive and coming off as a complete

Caitlin Ascolese is a freelance writer in New York City.
player. “People are so savvy right now that they can immediately weed out someone who’s insincere,” says Kathryn Alice, author of Love Will Find You. In other words, being hard to get is an aphrodisiac, but playing hard to get is a sure way to sabotage things ASAP. We asked relationship experts to weigh in the most common ways people try to play hard to get—and offer smarter solutions that seem sexy, not scheming.

Hot Topic: Returning emails
The old-school strategy: Wait at least as long as the person took to write to reply. Ding! You’ve got a new message from your crush. You know the worry: If you hit “reply” right away, and it’ll look like you’re just sitting around waiting for that email, so you sit on your hands till you can reply without looking desperate.

The better plan: If you wait too long, your game-playing becomes obvious, because we all know it doesn’t take more than a few seconds to type a “hey, nice to hear from you” note. “You don’t want to send long emails a dozen times a day, but definitely write the person back within 24 hours, or the same day if possible,” says Jackie Black, Ph.D., author of Meeting Your Match. That guideline will prevent you from seeming aloof and keep you on pace to find out if you’re a real match offline.

Hot topic: Drive-by phone calls
The old-school strategy: Call the person while you’re on the go—say, in traffic or waiting for someone at a restaurant.

The better plan: True, calling from a busy location proves that you’re an out-and-about kind of person. But it also says that you’re so intimidated by quality conversation that you have to multitask. That’s an instant turnoff to someone who’s looking for a partner with solid relationship potential. “It really dishonors the other person,” says Alice. For best results (and to avoid annoying phone cut-outs), only bother calling when you’ve got the time and quiet to actually talk.

Hot Topic: Waiting to call
The old-school strategy: Let a pre-set amount of time go by before getting in touch. Most people have their own version of these waiting-game rules—says, three days after getting a prospect’s number; forty-eight hours after the first date… never past Wednesday under a full moon.

A better plan: Whatever your go-to time-frame for making a move, consider replacing it with this one: Call the person when you want to talk. “Waiting just for the sake of waiting sends the message that you’re a player, insincere, and unable to commit,” says Black. “The people who that will attract are the people who match those unattractive qualities.” No, you don’t want to leave a billion voice mails so you seem desperate, but following your instinct will put the real you on the line. Wait too long, and a perfectly great match could simply lose momentum and fizzle out. But if you mix up your callback time — so you’re consistent but not totally predictable — you’ll still be hard to get… just not rude.

Hot Topic: Flaunting your options
The old-school strategy: Hint (or worse) at being involved with other people. “One thing I see all the time is people purposely bringing dates to a place where they know another person they’re dating will see them,” says Joy Villaneuva, a cocktail server at Las Vegas hotspot Light Nightclub at Bellagio. “It always backfires because one date feels used, one feels insulted, and neither of them wants to spend time with you.”

A better plan: Even if you’re not so brazen as to bring competing suitors into the same room, you may think you’re being clever by mentioning other prospects so your date knows you’re a hot property. But “you’re only sabotaging yourself by doing this because it basically broadcasts that you’re insecure and trying to making the person jealous,” says Alice. So don’t say anything about other people until it’s time to have the exclusivity talk. After all, leaving your date wondering whether you’re seeing anyone else makes you intriguing; letting that person know you are seeing someone else makes you unavailable.

Hot Topic: Acting a little uninterested
The old-school strategy: Give your date a little insult so he or she works harder to win you over.

A better plan: When the best-selling book The Game came out in 2005, it introduced millions of readers to the “neg”: A subtle jab that makes the person feel insecure around you (like, “Great nails—are they real?”). “Singles do this to build up self-esteem, but it really makes them seem scared of intimacy,” says Alice. “A far better way to get that self-esteem is to make people want to be around you because of your personality.” To that end, make jokes about things you have in common or at your own expense to put the person at ease and show your date you’re funny and gracious.

Hot Topic: Acting a little over-interested
The old-school strategy: Tease wildly over email or cell, but act cool when it comes to physical contact.

A better plan: Maybe you know one of these types: The super-sultry text-messaging type who blushes in person at the slightest flirtation; the flirty emailer who won’t kiss at the end of the date. Whether consciously playing coy or not, this dater is part of a trend. “It’s so easy to be suggestive when you don’t have to see the person, but then you meet him or her and have to see if the chemistry’s actually there,” says Alice. Limit your between-dates communication, especially anything saucy. Then any in-person flirtation will feel genuine and exciting—not disappointing.

Hot Topic: Making dates work to fit into your schedule
The old-school strategy: Have (or pretend to have) so many plans it’s nearly impossible to squeeze in a date.

A better plan: It takes a lot of courage for someone to ask you out, which is why it can be very off-putting if your response is “How’s three weeks from next Tuesday?” It’s great to have things to do—it proves you’ve got a busy, full life, which is super-sexy. But if there’s literally no time to date, then you probably shouldn’t be dating—especially if you’re hoping to connect with someone with just as full a life. So instead of forcing yourself to block out entire evenings for rote dinners-and-movies, allow your date access to your already-busy life. “Suggest things to do that you enjoy and invite the person into your life,“ says Black. Think: “I’m pretty booked, but I was hoping to get to the wild dogs exhibition at the nature center this weekend—want to check it out?” or “I never miss my Thursday tai chi—any interest?” Not only will you make time for someone special, you’ll bond in fun new ways that you’d never get over a glass of “So where did you go to college?”

Allow your date access to your already-busy life.

Think opposites attract or that first kisses must rock if you’re a match? The latest research says otherwise. Below, an updated approach to finding love.

	By Nina Malkin hen it comes to finding love, there are certain truths that seem so irrefutable that any single person would be a fool not to follow them. Maybe you’re a firm believer that you can tell within seconds if you’re attracted to someone. Or, maybe you adhere to the idea that a first kiss says it all: If you feel fireworks, your date’s a keeper; if it bombs, cut your losses. While these romantic maxims have their fans, experts insist that these laws no longer hold true in today’s dating world. In short, many rules single people follow need a little revamping. To that end, we’ve consulted authorities in the field to bring you the most up-to-date tactics for finding someone you’ll click with. Old rule: You can tell if you’re truly attracted to someone in three seconds New rule: You can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to someone until you’ve had three dates “Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s darn convenient to think you can tell if you click with someone that quickly. Wish lists are a classic recipe for unsuccessful dating—they don’t allow for chemistry. But experts recommend cultivating a bit more patience, sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether you’re a match (or not). The reason: People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can people truly relax and maybe build some rapport. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term potential. “An important part of a compatible relationship is ensuring that each partner’s values coincide, and to learn that takes time, discussion, observation, and interpersonal interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues,” says James C. Piers, Ph.D., professor and program director of social work, at Hope College in Holland, MI. So, don’t write someone off — or fall head over heels — until you’ve done due diligence. Old rule: Your mate must meet all the criteria on your “must-have list” New rule: A “must-have list” looks great on paper, but paper won’t keep you warm at night You can check off the attributes you want—appearance, background, education, career, salary—but unless you’re building your lover in a lab, you’re missing out. Of course, you should have standards and not settle for a two-pack-a-day smoker who doesn’t want kids when you’re allergic to smoke and eager to start a family. But settling for nothing less than perfection is unrealistic. “Wish lists are a classic recipe for unsuccessful dating,” says Fleming. “They’re too limiting and don’t allow for chemistry, which is more intangible and valuable.” Try to be flexible, especially when it comes to physical or material attributes like someone’s height, salary, or hair color. After all, just because someone’s 6’2”, blonde, or makes six figures doesn’t mean he or she will make you happy, so do yourself a favor and treat your ideal-mate wish list as just one factor in deciding who’s right for you. Old rule: Opposites attract New rule: Opposites distract Dating your diametric opposite might mean the surprise of someone really new and different, lots of challenging banter and scintillating make-up sex—but sustaining a partnership with your polar opposite may ultimately prove unfulfilling. “The classic couple with nothing in common except their on-fire fights plays well in the movies, but in real life that attraction fizzles quickly,” says Alyssa Wodtke, co-author of Truth, Lies, and Online Dating: Secrets to Finding Romance on the Internet. “If you don’t like to do the same things, there will be nothing for you to do outside of the bedroom. And if you don’t want the same things for the future, what kind of future can you have?” We’re not saying you should end up with your clone, but ideally it should be someone who complements your personality (see the next rule for more details). Old rule: Your date’s record collection (or DVD library, or bookshelf) mirrors yours—so you must be soul mates New rule: You want a person, not an iPod playlist Sometimes you meet someone and have so much in common, you know it must be love: Each of you saw If you’re you up all night analyzing someone’s emails, perhaps this person doesn’t really want to be yours. Phish perform at least a dozen times and know the works of David Sedaris inside out. But don’t confuse mirror-image taste with chemistry. In fact, it’s probably better if your interests don’t match up exactly. Not only does that leave room for you to expand your boundaries and dabble in something new that your partner digs, it also means you two will probably have little trouble maintaining some healthy independence. “Some of the best relationships are those where both parties have completely independent hobbies and allow for the concept of ‘his, her, and our’ time,” notes relationship coach Hu Fleming, Ph.D. So, take it as a good sign if you spend the occasional Saturday night apart—you doing dips at ballroom dancing class, your date doing the wave at an NBA game. Old rule: Your first kiss should be a toe-curling experience New rule: Your first kiss is inconsequential In fairytales, an amazing first kiss leads to happily ever after—no wonder we place such importance on that primary pucker! But there are ample reasons why a first kiss from a potentially great partner can go awry (nervousness or a less-than-ideal setting) and just as many to explain why a first kiss from Mr./Ms. Wrong can feel so right (you’ve exceeded the two-drink minimum, perhaps). “A kiss can be a romantic, erotic experience with someone you find physically attractive, but a relationship will crumble without more complex attributes like shared values,” points out Piers. So rather than write someone off following a less-than-mind-blowing kiss, smile and move in slowly for smooch number two, either at that moment or on a subsequent date. Trust us, you owe it to yourselves. Old rule: When it’s true love, you think about this person constantly New rule: When it’s true love, thinking about this person makes you feel good Hmm, has Willie Nelson’s “You’re Always on My Mind” become the theme song for how you feel about your sweetie? That may not be for the best. “Constantly thinking about another person isn’t love, it’s infatuation, and infatuation has no correlation with being a good match,” says Fleming. Ultimately, it’s a better gauge to assess the quality of your thoughts rather than the quantity. “If you have warm and comfortable feelings when you think about your date, that indicates a relationship built on stability, trust, and a strong ‘friendship’ factor, denoting a relationship that will more likely wear well over time,” says Piers. If, on the other hand, your relationship keeps you up all night as you analyze this person’s emails for hidden messages that reveal his or her true feelings, you may be chasing down someone who doesn’t really want to be yours. Nina Malkin is the author of 6X: The Uncensored Confessions.